September 16, 2021

Ringsssss

Voted Best Satire Site On The Planet 3 Times

Drummer From Metallica, Lars Ulrich, Rushed To Hospital. Foreign Objects Found In Rectal Cavity

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - AUGUST 12: (L-R) Robert Trujillo, Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett, and James Hetfield of Metallica perform on Lands End stage during the 2017 Outside Lands Music And Arts Festival at Golden Gate Park on August 12, 2017 in San Francisco, California. (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

Los Angeles, CA- Lars Ulrich (57), drummer of the band Metallica was rushed to UCLA medical center in what seemed to be a stomach issue. Lars was complaining of incredible pain radiating from his lower intestines. Doctors were stumped. Food poisoning was ruled out as Lars was in the midst of fasting for a week. Lars kept trying to tell doctors he thought he was constipated and that some laxatives might do the trick.

“Lars is mum on how the fish got in his bum”

The amount of anguish on his face assured doctors that they would not just send him on his with some pills to poop. Everyone knows you must poop before you leave the hospital anyways. An answer for what actually ailed him was still in question. A battery of tests were ordered. Lars knew you cannot stop the battery. One of the tests was an X-ray of his abdomen. The results were shocking.

Three doctors and a radiologist stared at the X-rays in disbelief. Each of them counted 7 medium sized goldfish. There was no question this was the reason for the discomfort and pain Ulrich was experiencing. Being a celebrity and having fish in his arse was nothing that shook doctors. “We have seen much stranger things before”, said Dr. Gonedock.

blank
“I have a feeling we will be seeing him again”, Dr. Gonedock.

In private Dr. Gonedock expalined to Lars what they had uncovered. Ulrich pretended to be in shock and disillusion over the news the doctor just laid on him, but there was a silent understanding between the men. The doctor ordered an enema to flush the fish out and Lars agreed. When Lars had shat them out he called on the doctor to confirm all 7 fish have been flushed from his system. About an hour later he was sent on his way. Questions surrounding how the fish got up there have gone ignored by Ulrich and medical staff.

Lars has denied our request for an interview.

0 Shares