breaking

Los Angeles, CA- Lars Ulrich (57), drummer of the band Metallica was rushed to UCLA medical center in what seemed to be a stomach issue. Lars was complaining of incredible pain radiating from his lower intestines. Doctors were stumped. Food poisoning was ruled out as Lars was in the midst of fasting for a week. … Read more

Oxnard, CA- Ben Nichols (30), likes to party. He likes to impress people by drinking Bacardi 151 straight out of the bottle. One time he finished off an entire handle, 1.75L in one chug without puking. Ben also likes to smoke Camel non-filter cigarettes. He’s a good time kinda guy. One night at a house … Read more

Butte, MT- Jessica Marshall (28) of Butte Montana has been arrested on 7 counts of cannibalism. Ms. Marshall is not accused of any killings or crimes other than the eating of humans. Ms. Marshall is a well loved local Butte school teacher and a respected member of the community. Having lived in Butte her whole … Read more

Houston, TX- Elon Musk has launched his sperm into space. Not surprised? Neither are we. The megalomaniac has been using Spacex rockets to scatter these cryotanks all over space and into unknown universes. Apparently Musk has long held to the idea that there is life, intelligent life other than our own and who better than … Read more

New York, NY- Chelsea Clinton was working on a new book when she met Carlita Carolina at Minx, a strip club in Manhattan. Clinton’s book was to be an expose on the life of New York strippers. The idea was to immerse herself in the strip club scene and observe. She went beyond that when … Read more

Beijing, China- Not quite two months into the year and we have incredible news coming out of China. Dr. Henry Lee (41), One of China’s foremost doctors in the field of genetics and clonetics has gone missing shortly after reports started to leak on his latest project. That project was to clone Michael Jackson using … Read more