Carterville, Il – Linda Anders (41), had been a participant in Carterville’s annual spaghetti cook-off for the last 12 years. In those dozen years, the highest she had placed was 2nd and Linda knew 2nd was just the first loser. For 2022 and lucky contest number 13, Linda used a secret ingredient that she was sure would give her that extra edge and earn herself the blue ribbon she so desired.

Anders worked as a morgue assistant for the County Williamson. For the 11 months leading up the cook-off, Linda collected the testes from deceased adult males. She would slice ’em, dice ’em and sew ’em up without attracting attention. And who was going to notice the missing balls of a dead man anyway?

Carterville is such an unassuming locale for a story like this. Residents were hesitant to comment.

The night before the cook-off Linda was hard at work preparing her sauce and dropping balls. The next day when the judges went around tasting all the contestants entries, her table had the most attention. Judges were going back for second helpings, something they had never done with her previous entries. The time for the judges to crown a winner was soon approaching. One judge went back for thirds. Only there would be a problem on that third plate of spaghetti that would derail all of Linda Anders dreams. That problem… a prosthetic testicle!

The judge chomped down on a meatball and the silicone rubber testicle filled with saline exploded into his mouth and the jig was up. Upon closer inspection of Anders meatballs, a discovery was made. The meatballs were not meatballs in the traditional sense, but human testicles. Anders was arrested on site without incident. When asked if she would like an attorney, she would only respond by inquiring if she had won the cook-off. Looks like she dropped the ball when it came to quality control. She need not worry about her meals for the next 10-15 years according to sources inside the district attorneys office.

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