WANTED PUBLIC MASTURBATOR Has Been Arrested Despite Altering His Appearance By Shaving His Mustache And Losing 35lbs.


Phoenix, AZ- Kenneth Fontaine (36) was apprehended by Maricopa county Sherrif’s during a routine traffic stop late Wednesday night. Fontaine was seen driving erratically down E. Bell Rd. and later pulled over for failure to yield at a four way stop. When the Sheriff’s Deputy approached the driver’s door , he immediately recognized Kenneth Fontaine as the man wanted for public masturbation by his distinct facial tattoos.

Fontaine was seen masturbating into the produce at a local H.E.B. “Because we could not pinpoint all the places his ejaculate may have reached, we had to entirely remove all our produce and start from scratch. His actions have cost the store close to $3k in produce loss and close to $2k to hire hazardous cleaning specialists, not to mention the wasted man hours of our own employees.”, said H.E.B. store manager Richard Malone.

Mr. Fontaine tried to deny being the man who despoiled H.E.B.’s produce, but video surveillance betrayed him, but not as much as his facial tattoos. He had attempted to alter his appearance by shaving his mustache and losing weight, but the permanency of his tattoos along with his sheer stupidity did him in.

He is being held on $50k bond at Maricopa County Jail.

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