Montecito, CA- Oprah Winfrey was rushed to a Santa Barbara hospital from her home in Montecito early this morning. A call came in from one of her maids claiming she was in incredible pain and needed help urgently. Paramedics arrived at her compound and quickly got her into the ambulance where she writhed in pain screaming, “Get it out! Get it out!” while clutching her lower abdomen. Before the paramedics could ask her, “Get what out?” she passed out due to pain.
Unconscious at the hospital she was rushed in for X-ray’s to hopefully reveal what it was that she wanted to “get out”. The X-ray’s revealed a small animal had burrowed inside her vagina. A pediatric doctor who had also double majored in Veterinary medicine was called over to examine the X-ray to see if he could uncover what kind of small animal had lodged itself inside her Va-Jay-Jay.
“Without a doubt, that is a Ferret”, said Dr. Llyod Wendowell. Doctors kept Oprah sedated while they went in to retrieve the animal. The process of extraction would not take long. Dr. Wendowell gloved up and applied a generous amount of lubrication before reaching into her vagina and carefully retrieving the cuddly little guy.
Oprah woke with a startle in the hospital hours later when the sedatives wore off. Doctors explained to her what had happened and asked if she knew anything about a ferret. “Mr. Wiggles is my ferret but I don’t know what that has…. Are you telling me, it was him that caused all my pain?? But I don’t understa… Mr. Wiggles was inside me?!?!” With that she passed out again. Doctors concluded that Mr. Wiggles must have gotten cold and sought out a warm, moist climate that is more akin to his natural habitat and that that is what attracted him to her vagina.
A team of Oprah’s private doctors arrived and spirited her out of Cottage Hospital to a secure location where she can recover in peace. Many doctors and nurses were forced to sign strict confidentiality agreements to never discuss this incident lest they lose their medical practice privileges. Mr. wiggles is expected to fully recover.