In a stunning move, Nabisco has sent out word to various media outlets that their beloved Ritz “Crackers” will now be known as “Biscuits”. This comes after 10’s of 1000’s complaints were lodged by offended caucasians. “We received a bevy of emails and letters from people claiming that using the word “Cracker” has left them in various states of disarray”, Shiloh Penske Vice President of Media Relations for Nabisco says.
Scores of soccer moms threatened to stop providing Ritz to their children if this injustice would not be dealt with. “I couldn’t in good faith keep feeding my children; Brayden, Chad and Aleasha these “Crackers” any longer. I became so depressed that I skipped getting my nails done the other day”, Becky Lennon a concerned parent.
A Nobel Peace Prize winner who wished to remain anonymous had this to say, “White people, my people, are so vanilla. They don’t want to be left out of anything so they conjure up a hardship for attention and ruthlessly cost a giant corporation billions of dollars in rebranding. This will cause a rise in costs that will be blamed on something or someone else. They are causing their own chaos to be heard”.
A statement from the Whitehouse revealed President Biden’s views on the matter, “Unfortunately our country is besieged by crackers. We do not need to bring further attention to these attention seekers by selling products that promote their agenda. What nabisco has done is hopefully just a beginning of something larger. Nabisco finally Woke up”, President Biden
Whether or not what the Nobel Laureate had to say is true, we know that this much is true, Ritz Crackers will now be known as Ritz Biscuits. Better watch out Cracker Barrel you may be next!