Oxnard, CA- Tanya Miller (26), was caught shoplifting at a local Vons supermarket. Store security noticed a woman walking awkwardly away from the Bakery. She was seen fanning her vagina aggressively while constantly adjusting her breasts. Local police were called out to approach the woman who by this time was in the bathroom with a trail of macaroni salad left in her wake.
Officer Courtney Vialobos of the Oxnard Police Department arrived on scene first and went into the restroom to observe the suspect, “She was re-arranging the chickens in her vagina when I walked in. She had positioned a pint of potato salad under each one of her massive mammary glands. When a chicken slipped out of her, her eyes rose to meet mine and that is when she took off running”, said Vialobos.
When Miller fled the restroom, the remainder of the chickens dropped one by one leaving a trail of sticky, slimy bird carcasses. By the time she exited the store the potato salad had fallen out from underneath her breasts. She was placed into custody when a quart of macaroni salad was discovered to be stashed up her rectal cavity as well.
“Ms. Miller has used her right to remain silent. We believe the evidence of food left behind coupled with the video surveillance will be enough to press charges and garner a conviction without a confession. Crimes like these are becoming all too common where suspects are using cavernous locations on their person to shoplift. We hope that the apprehension and successful prosecution will serve as a warning to others whom have had thoughts doing the same with various orifices on their bodies”- Oxnard Police Department Official Statement. Ms. Miller is looking at 14 months in County Jail if convicted on all charges.
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