Los Angeles, CA- Peter Detwiler (32), was an elite TSA officer at LAX until a failed drug test cost him his job. Peter was always seen as a no-nonsense, by the book super security guard. Now that image has been shatter by his failing of a random drug test.
“The results came back positive for methamphetamines”, said Detwiler. “I have never participated in that or any other drugs”. Well the test does not lie. Peter was immediately terminated following the test results.
The night before the drug test Peter was in the company of a prostitute named “Cherry”. According to Peter they had “animal like relations” all night long. According to Cherry, it was a long night of disappointment. Peter always chose Cherry because she would always stay awake. “She would never sleep, so it was like I got more than my monies worth”.
Balls and nose deep he spent his night with her. What he did not know was that Cherry loved her methamphetamines. “It helps me stay skinny and I can see up to 3x the customers. It’s a win win”. Well apparently Cherry uses the drug so much that whatever went on behind closed doors between the two caused Peter Detwiler to fail a drug test.
Doctors theorize that Detwiler never did use the drug himself, but it had entered his bloodstream from Cherry’s bodily fluids when he was neck deep in her. “Irregardless of how he came to fail his drug test is not our concern”, says Leonard Ballinski a TSA Spokesman, “He failed and that’s all that matters”.
This is the first known case of failing a drug test due to contact transfer in the history of the world. There is no precedence for this and as such Peter will never be checking bags again. Except maybe his own for lumps.