epidemiology

Oxnard, CA- Clarissa Owens woke up this morning in the Ventura County Jail. She was placed into custody late last night after an altercation involving her husband where she beat him up. Clarissa was upset over a sign her husband, Kirk, had purchased from Bed Bath and Beyond. The sign […]

Washington, DC- Bernie Sanders has had enough and he wants to settle the score once and for all with Donald Trump. Sanders believes Trump’s supporters enjoy many manly and masculine things; “Big trucks, oil, football, guns, BBQ, an odd fascination with deer and the like. So I figure comparing my […]

Modesto, CA- Gabby Miles (27) is being held at Stanislaus County Jail after word leaked onto social media from students at the high school where she taught, that she had offered the male students in her classes blowjobs for positive reviews on the year end teacher review surveys. Several of […]

Phoenix, AZ- Randy Simons (33) AKA “Peter Cummings”, is clinging to life at a local Phoenix hospital after a vicious beating at the hands of a biker gang. Randy mistakenly showed up to the house of an active member of the biker gang, “Hermanos Locos”. Randy Simons moonlights as a […]

Fillmore California – Brandy Williams has been taken to Ventura County jail after an altercation involving two Jehovah’s Witnesses. Ms. Williams was seen running naked after two young men on bicycles who were going door to door to spread the message of Christ in her neighborhood. “Ms. Williams thought it […]

Saudi Arabia- Prince Nassir Limon Arafatee had the privilege of meeting the former president’s daughter during her good will tour of the Middle East. Arafatee wanted to please and impress his guest as she was the daughter of such a powerful man. Arafatee remembered that her father likes to grab […]

R. Kelly (Robert Sylvester Kelly) was faced with the prospect of decades in prison when jumped off the Orange County Court House today. He was supposed to be guarded at all times, but was able to sneak away during a shift change and reached the top of the 50 story […]

Hollywood California- In what can only be described as a shocking turn of events, Celine Dion has announced to the world that they are now an Alien after transitioning from a female human to a superior intergalactic species. Dion has openly spoken in the past about their disdain for humans […]

Conroe, TX- Randy Gibbons (73), was arrested for desecration of a corpse and failing to alert authorities of his wife, Pearl’s passing. But he had no idea she was dead until their daughter came to visit. The is an excerpt of an interview with Cathy Gibbons, Randy and Pearl’s daughter, […]

Los Angeles, CA- Dr. Peter Launt (41) is in Los Angeles’ county jail, the “Twin Towers” awaiting trail for the illegal consumption of an embryo. Other charges facing the doctor include; Felony destruction of an embryo, 14 separate HIPAA violations, Theft, Malpractice, and many potential civil suits also await the […]